I wanted something this summer. I felt restless. I kept thinking I knew exactly what it was I needed, but I was never right with conclusions I dreamt up. Everything felt far away from the real reason I was so disinterested and lathargic to every entertainment being thrown my way that normally made me distracted and content.
And then finally - I figured it out. I was doing everything half-way. I was lying to myself about all of the things I thought I was satisfied with, even when I wasn't satisfied at all. The idea of having everything everyone else had, seemed like enough to make me happy. But, I hadn't been listening to myself. Not at all. I hadn't been pushing myself to seek out, to learn, to take care, to nurture, to listen to my inner wants and desires, to breathe in deeper, to taste that food I'd always thought looked interesting, to go run through that sprinkler in someone's yard when I knew it would mess up my hair and make-up. To accept some things I could never change and start jumping on the things I could change.
I'd been hiding from all of this - and I have no idea why.
But I'm not going to hide from it anymore. I'm not going to keep being a separate and totally inactive portion of the life and world that is going on around me. There are things I see and experience everyday that I need to absorb.
I'm going to start absorbing. I'm going to start trying. I'm going to start exploring. I'm going to start challenging myself, and everyone around me. I'm going to start soaking every beautiful, sincere, authentic thing up. Because otherwise - what the hell am I doing here?
A few days ago I went to an old abandoned shop that I'd driven past a hundred times in my life. It has one long, rectangular window in the front, and from the road you can tell that there are items sitting on shelves directly behind it. I've always wondered what was behind this window - and then that afternoon I asked myself "Why have I not just gone and looked inside? What is the worst that could happen?"
So I did - I took my mother and we went and looked through the window. And you know what? It was darling. There were brass trinkets, necklaces, old collectibles...and the best part was that it was all sitting in there undisturbed. It was very cool. It was better than I'd expected it would be.
Here's to things being better than you expect them to be, and daily challenging yourself to explore.